May24

Bitter Thursdays: Something I Don’t Think I Can Ever Do

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Bitter Thursdays: Something I Don’t Think I Can Ever Do

Legend: blue dot means the guy is talking; orange dot is for the girl. Click image to make it larger.

Confessing your feelings to someone. It’s a big deal. Not to be taken lightly. Can probably never be done by someone as cowardly as I am. I mean, once you utter those words, everything changes. Unless you’re sure that the other party feels the same, why risk the awkwardness and potential estrangement?

But I hear that the pay off, in a positive outcome, is astronomically awesome.

I wish I were braver.

I’d like to think that there’s fate. I’ve always thought that each of us is fated to find someone to love and who’d love us back. But with each year that passes, that thought is proven more and more to be a stupid wishy-washy fantasy. Maybe someone forgot to tie a red thread around my finger?


May17

Bitter Thursdays: Getting Hope

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Bitter Thursdays: Getting Hope

For those who haven’t seen this drama, here’s a short background: This girl is secretly in love with a guy and she’s struggling with her feelings because that guy is going through a reunion with his first love, who is pretty like a porcelain doll. In turn, this girl’s father (in the picture), who was left by his wife a long time ago and hasn’t dated since, now has a girlfriend and he’s going to see her.

So in this picture, the girl is telling her dad to go for it and be happy because to her, for someone like her dad who has experience such betrayal, hurt, and loneliness to finally find happiness again, then maybe someone as hopeless as her could also have the same.

I wish it were that simple. I mean, I do feel genuinely happy for people who are finally happy with someone. It does give me hope, especially if that person was someone like me who’s been forever alone. But at the same time, whenever that happens, I feel less and less confident that there’s still someone out there for me. Is there anybody left? I keep a positive outlook on love. I believe that there is someone out there for me. But there are times, such as today, when I feel like I’m just kidding myself.

May13

Happy Mothers’ Day, Mom!

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Happy Mothers’ Day, Mom!

Hi Ma!

It sucks that I couldn’t be there today. I know we’ve never really made a big fuss over Mothers’ Day for as long as I can remember, but it has always been special enough since we’d all be together when it comes. I hope Papa and Koko did something special for you today.

Being away sucks. I don’t know how superstars do it. Heck, I don’t know how anybody can do it for so long. I know that when I was still there, there were weeks when we wouldn’t see each other even though we lived under the same roof, and it’s not like we live in a mansion or anything. I admit that there were periods when you’d just get so irritating so I purposefully stay away from your room since you always hang out there. Sorry for that.

You expect so much of me, that’s why you nag, and it sucks that I’m such a disappointment of a daughter. Because you’re an awesome woman and have been through hell and back, you expect me to be the same since I’m your blood. I wanna be awesome too, Ma. I wanna be strong and brave and smart and good with people like you are. I’m just a little lost right now, so please give me a little more time. I know it’s a mom thing but please stop worrying about me not having any direction in my life. I admit that I was really confused back then, but I do have a plan. I’m in the process of executing that right now so just wait a little more. I’ll be okay, really.

There were loads of times we didn’t see eye to eye and had crazy fights. There were loads of times when I don’t listen to what you say because you’ve said it SOOO MANY times before and I got tired of it. There were loads of times when I seriously did not get your logic and you stubbornly refuse to understand mine. There were also loads of times when I felt like I was being the best daughter I could be but it just wasn’t enough for you. You want perfect, and I’m only human. I guess, in your eyes, I’ve always been perfect, and it shocks you when I don’t act like so. I’m sorry, Ma, I’m not perfect. I’m pretty awkward and scared of the world. Also, I’ve got to be bad sometimes. I’m already a dangerously boring person, you know. Gotta shake it up a little from time to time. But don’t worry, I know my limits. Rest assured that you raised me well.

One good thing that being away has done to me is to make me appreciate what I had back there. It also made me realize what I finally want to do. I’ve always known that I would do it, but I really didn’t want to take a pre-determined path. I guess I was just scared. Now, I know what I’m supposed to do. I will take over the company, like you want me to. Yours are such big shoes to fill, and I’m too much of an idiot to be in any way confident about doing it. I’m still scared, really, but I’m not gonna run away from my responsibilities anymore. You have a grown up daughter now, Ma. I didn’t think 3 months could make me grow up so much.

I also just want you to know that I love you. Please always know that even if we fight again in the future. You’ll always be my mommy. I will always be your baby girl. I wish you could be with me forever because there are just so many things that I don’t know yet and you need to teach them to me. So stay healthy, okay? Stop stressing yourself out. You need to stay healthy and live long. Heck, you and Pa still need to go through my first boyfriend, first heartbreak, etc. A parent’s journey will never be complete without going through that phase, would it? And I know that it’s your dream to see me get married. We can get married in all the churches you like, if it pleases you. And you still have to take care of the cute grandchildren that I will be producing. And I need you to be there when I decide to run back home when I have my first huge fight with my husband.

There’s still so much to do, Ma. So just stay healthy and be happy. Hang in there a little longer. I’ll be home soon. Thank you for all of it. There will never be a mom anywhere else as awesome as you. I will always have the best mom in the world.

 

May11

Fangirl Friday: Fangirling for My Sanity

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Fangirl Friday: Fangirling for My Sanity

My Twitter followers are probably seriously contemplating unfollowing me because of all the fangirl tweets I’ve been dishing out since February. What (I think) is worse for them is that I’m not fangirling the “normal” stuff for our “crowd”, that is, western stuff, like American Idol, new Hollywood blockbusters, the endings of TV series from CW, FOX, SyFy, etc. What I’m constantly blabbering about now are Asian (mostly Korean) dramas and bands.

Asian dramas have always been a sort of guilty pleasure of mine. They are usually very easy to watch and contain the perfect mix of romance and comedy. In short, they never fail to make me feel happy when I watch them. However, I never really watch that many before. Before 2012, the only Asian dramas I’ve seen are Meteor Garden 1 & 2, Meteor Rain, and My Girl. But because of the stress of waiting for my student visa to arrive earlier this year, I sought out new Asian dramas. I really liked Lee Dong Wook from My Girl so I searched for stuff he’s in. It all stemmed from that.

I finally arrived here with ample supply of the western shows that I follow, several movies, and books. I thought that they’d be enough to keep me entertained for 10 months. Little did I expect that I’d want more Asian dramas instead. I really don’t know why that is. I guess I got sick of all the English that they speak here that I don’t wanna hear more. Lol!

With that, I re-watched Meteor Garden, then proceeded to its Korean version, Boys Over Flowers, where I somehow became attached to Kim Hyun Joong, which led me to research about him and discovered the band he belongs to. Because of this new interest, I was reconnected with an old friend. I’ve always seen stuff relating to Kpop on her Facebook statuses but I’ve never really paid attention. When I took a good look, I found that one of her friends’ profile picture was with Kim Hyun Joong! We got to talking, this friend of mine and I, and through her I found out about another band. That’s when all the fangirling on Twitter started.

Now, before anyone decides to click the unfollow button, let me explain. You see, there’s so much more to my constant fangirling. It’s actually my way of coping with my current reality. Let me be brutally honest and say that I am terribly lonely here. I am alone in a faraway place and the only friend that I have is about 20 minutes away by train. I live with 4 strangers and go to school in a neighborhood that rather scares me. I have to go through everyday alone. I feel so unprotected. Even though my family and friends are only 1 call away, sometimes words of support aren’t enough. I’m doing my best to be nice and make friends but I’m just not the most charismatic person around so I still don’t have friends (other than the aforementioned). My room is the only place where I feel comfortable and secure, but it has its limits, too, especially when I remember that next door isn’t my brother’s room but some girl’s who goes to the nearby university.

I’ve been an escapist from the very beginning, and my interest in these new things, Kim Hyun Joong and Super Junior, has introduced me to a whole new world to escape to. And what fun worlds they are! There’s so much to know about them. Not only do they make music, they also have several shows that let me see how they are when they’re not being superstars. I found them to be fascinating individuals and are rather hilarious. I’ve spent a couple of weekends laughing my ass off because of these guys. When I’m watching them, time flies. Before I know it, I’m another day closer to home. When I watch them, I don’t have to suffer through days. I don’t have to deal with depressing thoughts. I don’t feel the need to bang my head against the wall just to get myself unconscious so I won’t have to deal with this place anymore.

They keep me sane.

So for those who find my fangirling annoying, please bear with me until December. I’m not saying that I’d be less of a fan of theirs by then, because I won’t be. I genuinely think that they are talented and fascinating. But just keep in mind that with every fangirl tweet I post, that’s one head-wall-bashing diverted. So when I get home, I probably won’t feel that urge anymore, hence the decrease of fangirl tweets. :)

May10

Bitter Thursdays: The Bitter Truth

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Bitter Thursdays: The Bitter Truth

I really don’t know what the point of this conversation is. It’s depressing, yet brutally true. But I don’t know what she’s getting at.

On one hand, she’s encouraging her friend to “seize the moment” and confess her feelings to the guy she likes. On the other hand, if I were the friend, I wouldn’t get much confidence out of this whole conversation. She pointed out that the friend isn’t a beauty and that even if she goes for it, there’s a big chance that she’ll get shot down. So what the heck does she want her to do?!

But really, this girl is just being realistic. I’ve pretty much had a conversation like this, too (with a friend and also in my head). Honestly, besides waiting for love to come knocking, I don’t know any other way to find it. Especially when I’m also not “some kind of a beauty”. If I were a beauty, then maybe I could go out and poof! Love will instantly appear. But I’m not, and 20 or so years has proven that waiting around won’t do much good either. So what the heck am I supposed to do?!

Shut up and keep things buried inside, I guess.

May6

Surviving Sunday

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Surviving Sunday

Another week is ending.

I actually almost did not feel the week go by, and for that, I am thankful. I know that most people want time to slow down because it’s just too fast and it often feels like 24 hours isn’t enough for anything to get done. Believe me, I know that feeling. But I’m allowing myself to be a little selfish right now and wish that time would hurry on and make it the end of June already.

Because I really really really want to be home.

Originally, I wanted to try and get through the whole 10 months away on my own. It’s one of the challenges that I wanted to complete when I decided to study abroad. But a couple of weeks ago, I broke. I’m weak. I’m a wuss. I admit it. I did all that I could to keep positive and make myself comfortable. But that last bout of homesickness got to me and without realizing it, I sent my mom a message.

“Ma, I wanna come home.”

What followed was a Skype call and loads of tears and my parents, probably realizing how pathetic and gutless their daughter is, finally allowed me to come home during my winter break this July.

Honestly, when my Mom said that I could come home, I was half-ecstatic and half-hesitant. Plane fair is extremely pricey. It costs around $1500 for a roundtrip Sydney-Manila economy class ticket (I have to come back here for the second semester). I haven’t found a job here yet so I’m wholly relying on money sent to me. I already feel guilty for all the expenses I’ve incurred by coming here. I try to save as much as I could. And now, just because I’m too chicken shit to make it through the whole 10 months, I’d have to add another $1500 to the whole thing.

Another thing is… I’m really really really afraid that I wouldn’t want to return for the next semester. A friend of mine warned me about this. She’s also abroad right now. Last year, she was a culinary student in New Zealand. She came home in December for the break and holidays and decided to go back to NZ to gain some work experience. The day she was about to fly back, she came to my house to give me a couple of scarves. She looked totally fine and cool with the whole thing.

You see, this friend of mine is one of the most emotionally stable people I know. She has such a level head, strong heart, and unbelievable determination. She’s gone through so much and yet maintains a pleasant personality. That’s why I was surprised when, during my last homesickness attack, I told her that I’m going to go home for winter break and she told me not to. She told me that on the day she was flying out, it took all she could not to cry. She told me that after experiencing all the comforts of home, after spending time with your friends again, leaving all that behind once again to go back to an unfamiliar place… the effort it’d take is almost unbearable.

Being here has given me the time and opportunity to really get to know myself, and I found that my family and my friends are everything to me. Life without them is just… bleak. So if I go back to all the warmth and sunshine that their presence brings, I’m scared that I might not have the strength to let go of that and come back to this place where I’m all alone and there are no hugs to be had when I’m sad.

However, at this moment, I’m already 80% sure that I’d be going home this July. I can’t help but think about it before I go to sleep – what I’d bring home, stuff I’d buy for everyone, how I’d get to the airport, and what I’d do during that precious fortnight… No matter how hard I try to not get excited, no matter how many times I tell myself that it’s not yet a done deal, I just can’t help it. It’s a 2-week relief from the gloominess of life here. I’d like to take that time to absorb as much love and happiness that I can, and hopefully it’ll get me through another 5 months.

Then I’d be home for good. :)

May3

Bitter Thursdays: I’d Really Like to Know

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Bitter Thursdays: I’d Really Like to Know

 

It’s something I’ve always wondered about.

It’s something that I thought I’d know the answer to by now.

Technically, I do, but only “according to the book”.

I’m like these two characters combined when it comes to this topic, lol!