I don’t think we ever celebrated Fathers’ Day properly when you were still here, Dad. You were one un-fussy person. Lol. Even your birthdays weren’t celebrated grandly. I wish we had an all-out grand party for you when you turned 65 last year. But I guess that wasn’t your style…
Back in Sydney, I was actually planning on going on a trip with you and the family to Jeju when you turned 65. I kept on computing how much I’d need to get you there. Since we’re like, probably descended from Chinese giants or something, the tiny seats in budget airlines (and even economy class in normal airlines) are out of the question, at least for you and big bro. Also, since you already had a hard time walking, I had to factor in renting a private car and tour guide (since I don’t drive and bro doesn’t have an international license) so we could get around.
Sigh. That’s one of my regrets. Not having earned enough to treat you and mom to things like that. I know you and Mom appreciate traveling more than just… things, so that was what I really wanted to give you. But I didn’t have enough, so I thought I’d give it a couple more years…
Ah, really. They say that things that can be done today shouldn’t be put off until tomorrow. Now I realize how true that is.
I’m so sorry, Dad. That has been a thought I had in my head and my heart for years. I know you expected great things from me, but to this day, I’m still just going with the flow, doing what needs to be done and/or what I’m told to do. I’m closing in on the 3rd decade mark, yet still I’m not really sure what I want to do. For someone who got good grades, I totally fail at life.
I’m sorry for not being a beautiful daughter for you either. That I’m worthless like this, you at least could’ve bragged about a daughter who had guys lining up for her, or at least has someone special in her life that you deem worthy of taking care of her. But alas, here I am, basically a not-purple Barney-sized female that always gets mistaken for a “sir”.
I know you worried about that aspect of my life, Dad, that’s why you were consistent in asking Mom to take me and get a facial or laser hair removal or something. I’m so sorry for also failing as a girl. One would think that being born as one, it’d make things easy, but… yeah. I’m not that lucky.
We never really talked about stuff like that, but I always had an image in my head of you walking me down the aisle. I know, I know, I’ve said countless times that after 27 solid years of being forever alone, I’ve given up on love and getting married, but still… I had that tiny little dream of you walking me down the aisle and you playing with my children (and talking to them in Chinese so they’ll learn ’cause goodness knows I can’t!). Well, I guess that dream’s out the window now. I’m just really sorry that I never got to ask you what kind of guy you preferred. All I’m sure about is that I want one who’d make as good a father as you.
I’m sorry, Dad, for being a total failure. I really want to be a daughter you could be proud of, and trust me, I’m still trying. I’ll figure it out. It’s just too bad that you won’t get to see it… But maybe I can tell you all about it when we see each other again.
Happy Fathers’ Day, Papa. Have a good rest!^^
영원히 사랑할거예요 아빠! <3