It’s Been a Year, Dad


I’m not sure what we’re celebrating today… 1 year. An anniversary. Of what? Of the last time we saw you? Of 365 1/4 days of feeling a great big hole in our lives? Of that night when I was too late to see you breathe your last?

It’s been a whole year without you, Dad. And it will be 2 years, 10 years, 30 years, but I will still have to fight the tears that come whenever I remember that day, even those two weeks.

I wasn’t ready, Dad. Call me stupid, a naive idiot, but all that while, I thought that we were gonna go home together at some point, when you get better. They say that it had to get worse befor it got better, and I thought that that was it – you were getting worse because you were on your way to get better, and we’d all go home and live our lives better. Together.

We may not have talked a lot, but Dad, there were so many things that I wanted to do for you. I wanted to bring you and Mom to Jeju and walk those trails for exercise and for you to get fresh air. I really was computing and recomputing the projected expenses we’d incur, because I was saving up for it. Since you and Mom can’t walk a lot, I had to factor in private car rent and a driver, and business class seats so you’ll fit comfortably in the plane. I was about… 2 years away from it.

Sigh. It all boils down to this: I miss you, Dad, and I’m sorry. For everything.

Here’s Mini You to keep us company while we wait to see you again.


Here's Mini You in Seoul. Not quite Jeju, but at least it's the same country. Lol.

Rant in the Middle of the Night


As usual, I was in my k-drama mini-binge after dinner. I was watching Three Musketeers and was inspired to write a story on AFF. Since I’m a bit uncomfy to put a rant this lengthy on the foreword, I’ll just put it up here. :))

The said story was inspired by one scene in Three Musketeers (which stars Jung Yonghwa of CNBlue, playing Park Dal Hyang (D’Artagnan)). In the scene, he was with the other 2 musketeers Heo Seung Po (Portos) and An Min Seo (Aramis). They were in the house of Heo Seung Po, hanging out in his room, when Seung Po’s wife entered.

Earlier in the drama, it was told that Seung Po, being the son of the Minister of Military (or something lol), he had to be marry the daughter of someone of power. This was how he ended up marrying a woman who didn’t have the most flawless face, and is twice the size of the women around them, which made her a sort of comic relief in the drama.

Anyway, back to the scene. In the scene, Seung Po’s wife entered the room. It was the first time that Park Dal Hyang saw her, so he was all excited and stood up, greeted her warmly, and even did a full bow. Min Seo and Seung Po asked him why he was bowing so formally, so Dal Hyang said, with all innocence, that he of course should do so because it’s his first time to meet Seung Po’s mother. To this, the two other guys laughed, and Seung Po’s wife left with an irritated sigh.

Then, a bunch of kids entered, who were apparently Seung Po’s children. There were 4: 3 girls and 1 boy. Dal Hyang was surprised that Seung Po had children, to which Seung Po replied, “Because I’m the oldest son in this house, I had to go every night to my wife’s room and… make babies… until I had a son.” The other two looked at him with awe and horror on their faces, and praised him for his iron guts.

Now, I know that it’s all for entertainment, but for someone who has similar physical “flaws” as Seung Po’s wife, it’s kind of painful to watch that one tiny scene. It wasn’t even important to the story – it was plainly for comic relief. But that’s precisely it: women who look like that are only treated as comic relief. After all that time, Mrs. Heo was simply someone to push out children, and after the coveted son came, she became simply that being that Seung Po had to sometimes come home to and put up with. And really, it takes iron guts to make love to a woman like that? Honestly, if it weren’t for the obviously fake painted-on spots on her face (to make her ugly), Mrs. Heo is cute. And even if she did have those spots, that’s all the people around her saw. A fat girl with spots on her face. And they all thought, “Sigh. Poor Seung Po.” But did they even try to look past all that? Wasn’t it enough that she bore him and took care of his children and continued to stay even though he treats her poorly?

I’m so sorry for the long rant… But it just made me feel like crap so suddenly. I do love the drama, it has a good story and the acting is good (Yonghwa though, you DID improve, but there’s still a little ways to go. But ily<3) and it’s funny as well and I will keep watching it. But it’s just that… that scene kind of made me think about how guys in general view me. So like, I’m just that fat girl with flawed skin that they had to deal with as their classmate or groupmate or just like, some random passerby. If only it were possible, they’d choose to not look at me because it hurts their eyes. Kung baga, parang kailangan nila tiisin yung presence ko kasi kailangan ako sa grupo eh. No choice eh. And the idea of even ending up with someone like me is… well, horrific, and can only be gone through if it’s like, for money or power. And I’m not even considered as a girl in the first place. Like, bagay lang ako na naglalakad at nagsasalita. I’m not even worth considering. I’m always to be killed in that “Kill, Do, Marry” game – no second thoughts.

That’s why I suddenly came up with this story – because apparently this thing can only happen in stories (no one has proved otherwise, at least in my own experience). What if someone like Mrs. Heo, a normal-looking girl who’s twice the size of those chopsticks they call women in dramas, and is actually human so has pores on her skin that sometimes get clogged and turn into pimples (unlike the mannequin-like flawlessness of women in dramas), goes through the same arranged marriage thing? Would she experience the same thing?

She probably would. But since I’m indulging my imagination, WHAT IF one of her husband-to-be’s friends actually saw past the flaws and liked what he saw? Same stakes. It’s a marriage of convenience. What would the fiance do? He needs whatever she and her family had. But the sincerity of the other guy is a formidable opponent for her heart.

What if everyone started seeing what the fiance still couldn’t? Ano, dami mo nang kaagaw? Gulat ka naman kasi ang nakikita mo lang lumba-lumbang panget? Will she stick with the fiance (because her family will also benefit from the union) or throw caution to the wind and go for who’s sincere about her?

Will go get this drama on!!! :)))

Still deciding on the roles though. But definitely, the following actors have been imagi-cast by me: Yoo Yeon Seok, Song Joong Ki, and Park Hae Jin. :)) Also starring Choi Siwon, and probably Cho Kyuhyun lol. I’m considering Henry as well. Still not sure which character these guys will play…

Daaaaad~ Happy Fathers’ Day :)


I don’t think we ever celebrated Fathers’ Day properly when you were still here, Dad. You were one un-fussy person. Lol. Even your birthdays weren’t celebrated grandly. I wish we had an all-out grand party for you when you turned 65 last year. But I guess that wasn’t your style…

Back in Sydney, I was actually planning on going on a trip with you and the family to Jeju when you turned 65. I kept on computing how much I’d need to get you there. Since we’re like, probably descended from Chinese giants or something, the tiny seats in budget airlines (and even economy class in normal airlines) are out of the question, at least for you and big bro. Also, since you already had a hard time walking, I had to factor in renting a private car and tour guide (since I don’t drive and bro doesn’t have an international license) so we could get around.

Sigh. That’s one of my regrets. Not having earned enough to treat you and mom to things like that. I know you and Mom appreciate traveling more than just… things, so that was what I really wanted to give you. But I didn’t have enough, so I thought I’d give it a couple more years…

Ah, really. They say that things that can be done today shouldn’t be put off until tomorrow. Now I realize how true that is.

I’m so sorry, Dad. That has been a thought I had in my head and my heart for years. I know you expected great things from me, but to this day, I’m still just going with the flow, doing what needs to be done and/or what I’m told to do. I’m closing in on the 3rd decade mark, yet still I’m not really sure what I want to do. For someone who got good grades, I totally fail at life.

I’m sorry for not being a beautiful daughter for you either. That I’m worthless like this, you at least could’ve bragged about a daughter who had guys lining up for her, or at least has someone special in her life that you deem worthy of taking care of her. But alas, here I am, basically a not-purple Barney-sized female that always gets mistaken for a “sir”.

I know you worried about that aspect of my life, Dad, that’s why you were consistent in asking Mom to take me and get a facial or laser hair removal or something. I’m so sorry for also failing as a girl. One would think that being born as one, it’d make things easy, but… yeah. I’m not that lucky.

We never really talked about stuff like that, but I always had an image in my head of you walking me down the aisle. I know, I know, I’ve said countless times that after 27 solid years of being forever alone, I’ve given up on love and getting married, but still… I had that tiny little dream of you walking me down the aisle and you playing with my children (and talking to them in Chinese so they’ll learn ’cause goodness knows I can’t!). Well, I guess that dream’s out the window now. I’m just really sorry that I never got to ask you what kind of guy you preferred. All I’m sure about is that I want one who’d make as good a father as you.

I’m sorry, Dad, for being a total failure. I really want to be a daughter you could be proud of, and trust me, I’m still trying. I’ll figure it out. It’s just too bad that you won’t get to see it… But maybe I can tell you all about it when we see each other again.

Happy Fathers’ Day, Papa. Have a good rest!^^

영원히 사랑할거예요 아빠! <3


For the Future


As I scoured through my amazing collection of schooldays photos for my friend (she requested a Throwback Thursday bonanza from me), it slowly sunk in that those photos were already a decade old, some even older. I still can’t believe that much time has passed, and yet inside, I don’t feel much different from the girl in the pictures (although I can definitely say that I’m less “emo” now, lol).

For a couple of years now, I’ve been bothered by the fact that I’m nowhere near able to support myself. I’m just an employee (albeit not that regular) and I get a fixed income every month, and that income is less than the normal entry-level salary that college/university graduates get when they enter big companies. And it’s almost been 5 years since I graduated university.

Not that I’m complaining. I’m actually okay with how much I earn. I think it’s a fair amount based on my performance. Haha. What I really want now is to have multiple streams of income.

I’ve always been a good money saver. Okay, except last year, when I hemorrhaged money for SMEnt and the South Korean tourism industry (oh the pitfalls of being a fangirl!). I was about 50% short of my goal savings and didn’t even know it until I stared my passbook down the other day. I had to take out my calculator and painstakingly remember all the major spending I did and slowly tried to reconcile them with the amount that I apparently spent.

Here’s the rough breakdown of my expenditures:

  • 30% for a business venture that didn’t quite work out (but hopefully we’d be able to revive… some time later)
  • 30% for travel + fangirling (they kind of went hand-in-hand recently)
  • 15% for food and drinks and movies (because I love to eat and watch movies, which also requires eating, not to mention late-night hunger – thank you 24-hour deliveries!)
  • 15% for other random things like groceries, clothes, shoes, school books, “socializing”, whatnots…
  • 10% for plays and musicals (I don’t know why people think this is a waste of money. Hey, you watch movies. This is just the live version! Like watching a concert instead of just listening to the CD.) and some other form of entertainment

Some might wonder, “How about rent? Phone, electric, water, and other bills?” Well, first off, we’re fortunate enough to own the house we live in. :) As for the others, as of now, I don’t have to worry about them yet, but I’m fairly sure that I will have to in the next couple of years, hence this post and the semi-panic that goes with the realization.

I won’t be able to support myself at all when that time comes if I don’t find a way to increase my income. There’s pretty much no getting out of where I’m working now, and if there was, a different job could only mean a higher pay, but still a single source of income. I want passive income, something that just comes in while I do my actual job.

That’s why for the last year or so, I’ve been wanting to invest. On what? I don’t know. I know nothing about stocks. I recently learned about bonds in school but I’m not sure how to go about investing in those (I hope they tell us in one of the lectures). But before everything else, I lack the funds for investing.

Luckily, my parents and I saw this news clip about the 52-week Money Saving Challenge adapted into Philippine version by The Kuripot Pinay. Check out her blog for the whole mechanics. Basically, it’s saving a certain amount per week, each week increasing the amount by adding the 1st week’s amount. For example, if you want to save in increments of Php20, you’ll have to save 20 the first week, then 40 the next, then 60, and so on until you reach the 52nd week. Since my friends and I were all in dire need of money-saving, we accepted the challenge.

This time, I want to be strict with myself, so I set the bar a little higher than the example on the blog. I did the chart for my own values, and the latter part of the year’s amounts would really have me not going out or buying anything for two whole months, just so I can fulfill the saving goal. So, friends, your gift from me this Christmas will be free hugs. :)

I know, I know, saving isn’t the answer to financial freedom, but it’s the first step. I’ve researched the best bank and account type to keep the challenge’s money in while I figure out what kind of investments are available and how they work. Hopefully, by the start of 2015, I’d have legit investments that’d earn me money even while I sleep. :D

Now, how do I have the same determination for healthy eating and regular exercise…


8 Years With SuJu


8 Years with Super Junior1 year and 7 months ago, I got sucked into this world where a bunch of dorks reigned. I was very bored and homesick at that time, and that world, and those dorks, kept me company. They inspired me, made me laugh, and made my every day just a little bit happier.

Their 7th debut anniversary was the first I celebrated with them. That was a mere 7 months from when I got sucked into their sapphire blue hole, and so I commemorated the day with a post on what each member has taught me. I still remember how I got teary-eyed while writing that post, so thankful to a group of strangers I’ve never met. Oh, how I wanted to meet them.

A year later, here I am in a completely different place, under different circumstances. Do I love them differently now?


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